Emotionally fragile and oscillating between tears, fears, and frustration. Yet there is a catharsis in consolidating one's thoughts. A lifting of life's burdens when shared with another.
It's dry here on the farm. Five weeks without measureable rain. 90+ degrees today. While Puerto Rico and the southern states brace for the pounding of liquid dumped unceremoniously from a spinning hurricane. No late beans, no fall broccoli or cauliflower. The flowers fading and withering. Only the verbena, dahlias and eucalyptus seem unaffected by the dryness.
And my inners - my thoughts and my heart - spin dizzily like Hurricane Maria.
Pumpkins to pick. Chrysanthemums to water. First year blueberry plantings hanging on somehow in this heat and drought. Tomatoes needing to be put up. Honey to be extracted and bees tucked in and treated for the winter. Academia and the demands of teaching. Wearying me this year. More so than before. I wonder why?
Son Ben is away at college. Learning and growing and maturing. I miss him terribly. A mama's heart longing only to see him, hear his voice, smile when he smiles. Be a part of his day to day life. Yet, I know it is time for him. He must choose his way. Follow the Path made unique for him. I feel like a mama robin singing and encouraging her baby to fly. "Leave the nest!" "There is joy in journey, in the flight!" "You can do it!"
And our house is almost completely framed, sided, with windows installed and insulation. It is almost time for Gary and me to take over - time to frame, to run wire, to get the plumbing done, to have a well drilled, electric trenched, natural gas installed, and a septic and field created. "Ah!" It is overwhelming and I have a deep sense of pressure, of time crunching, and speed influencing my decisions. Not all of them good or thoughtful ones. Winter is coming soon. We will turn around and the temps will fall; the ground will freeze and the snow will fly.
I go back up to Mayo in a couple of weeks for my six month check up and the last infusion of a biphosphanate. I've been having some weird symptoms in the girly parts of me for the last three months or so, so on Monday, I'll have an ultrasound to see if something's up. That too weighs on me. I wonder when that little nagging voice of reoccurrence ever goes away?
|Shari, Marlena, Cindy and me - Family Reunion 2017 - Amazing sisters - SO glad I went.|