The time has come

Tomorrow, my dear friend Kathy and I drive to Rochester.  It's a little hard for my mind and heart to embrace..... Tuesday I have surgery.  I've never had surgery before.  The closest thing to surgery was when they put my venous port in for the chemotherapy.  A strange experience.

I think I'm telling myself that the worst is over (chemo) and that the rest is doable.  But I also know myself and I do not like pain.  For some reason it seems to affect not just me physically but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  And frankly, it is usually not for the better.  So I'm apprehensive.

The idea of surgically removing, what look to me, as perfectly good breasts is mind boggling.  But I know it must be done.  It is part of the process of getting better.  Oh to be better.

So think and pray for me this week please.

Peace.

Sense of God's presence and strength.

Successful surgery with meticulous and competent surgeons.

Family, who will be staying home....Ben, Ally and Farmer husband Gary.

Peace.

Thank you.

Today's Journey Joys:  picking up a couple ton of bricks (oh, I'm sore and tired!), hoophouses for a great deal, an amazing husband who works so hard and diligently - never complaining, children who laugh and love, baby kittens at play, showers - both inside and out, and rest.

Views from the farm

We have five new baby kittens!  This one Ally named "Dalmation" 

This little guy is named "Slippers".  He has a brother who looks almost identical whose name is "Boots".  

The Carola Gold potatoes are growing and flowering.  It will be an excellent potato crop this year!

The golden potatoes have a lovely yellow flower.  Our Norland Reds and Fingerlings have purple ones.

This long and frigid winter was hard on many bushes and plants.  Between last summer's drought and the winter's cold very few blueberry plants actually flowered this spring.  We will have no U-pick this year and no blueberries to take to the market.  In a way, it is a good year to rest, recuperate, and make reserves for next year's crop. I will not be in any shape to pick blueberries for a month given that surgery is one week away.

The garlic scapes are beautiful and scrumptious. I  collected about 400-500 of these this weekend.  I will be making garlic pesto and freezing.  The house will smell deliciously garlic.

Today's Journey Joys:  blueberries and black raspberries ripening, potatoes blooming, friend's coming to help me clean prior to surgery next week, finger nails healing, banana muffins fresh from the oven.

Ally and the Zoo

A couple of weeks ago now Ally and I went to our little local zoo.  Our friend Katie and her daughter joined us for the fun adventure.  It was a neat time sharing views of the beautiful animals.  I was having a relatively good morning, in the midst of chemotherapy.  But we stayed for just a couple of hours.  Katie paid for the train tour and the merry-go-round, which was a hit of course with Ally.  It was warm, bright and lovely.

Ally in front of the giraffe enclosure

Hello there.

Couldn't capture a picture with her eyes opened....

I didn't have the strength at the end of our morning to lift Ally girl.  But Katie was up to the task!

It's kind of a goofy picture.  We were sitting on the little train together and I snapped this shot about a foot from her.  It does capture my girl's never ending sense of adventure and fun!

Today's Journey Joys: remembering adventures at the zoo during chemo, Katie - our new friend,  the wonder of beautiful animals, strawberries coming out my ears, potatoes growing and flowering, a beautiful full row of raspberries, and did I mention?  Three weeks since the last chemo treatment!  And getting stronger....Yippee!

Sister and Weeds

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except how to grow in long rows." (Doug Larson)

The 2000 onions I painstakingly planted this spring were being lost to the weeds.  My wheel cultivator did a great job between the rows, but between the plants and next to the plants, lamb's quarter, velvet weed, creeping charlie, purslane, bindweed, and purple clover were gobbling up the nutrients, water, and sunlight these onions needed to grow.

Cindy, my dear sister, came down from Madison for a weekend of weed pulling, chatting, and loving on my daughter Ally.  In the photo, she (we?) are almost finished with the onions.  Only took us about 10 hours!  Behind the onions are the potatoes ready for their third hilling.  Farmer husband Gary saw some nasty Colorado potato beetles devouring some of the Norland Dark Reds.  So quick as a bunny, I made up some spinosad spray (organic OMRI approved) and got rid of those nasties.

Later that same day Cindy begin the hard task of reclaiming my neglected red raspberries.  I was only able to weed about a third of them this spring.  Those 1/3 look fabulous and are starting to put on fruit.  The rest need light and air and space in which to flourish. So dig, yank, scrape, pull and twist out those weeds.....

And then we were off to the strawberries.  After many hours of work digging and pulling, we got about a third of next year's strawberries weeded. If my fingers heal from this perpetual painful nail bed infection, I hope to get in there and finish the weeding. I was just so thrilled to still see some plants surviving.  What a blessing!

Today's Journey Joys:  making strawberry jam from fresh strawberries in our garden, the pitter-patter of light rain, driver's education and practice for son Ben, dear wonderful friends, and a gracious giving and amazing sister.

The Valley

The Valley. 

It extends long, dark, and deep.  Thick brambles and underbrush impede the passing.  Heavy dew drips from intense green foliage which brushes against the sojourner.  Thorns scratch against the skin, stinging deeply.  An occasional breath of sweet aroma from the blooming wild rose. 

This is where I am now. 

Walking…. rather plodding…. through the deepest valley I’ve ever traversed.  It is hard.  Steep.  Slippery. Mucky.  Nauseating.  Exhausting to the bone. Filled with tears.

The way is now and again interrupted with the singing chorus of tree frogs and song birds.  But mostly it is quiet. Loudly quiet. Oh so quiet.

Few folks walk this road with another.  It is simply too hard.  Too painful.  Too… well, uncomfortable.  The Road which leads into the Valley is unwelcoming.  Those who must walk the bumpy road into the dark are accompanied by few.  A few very brave souls.

Those that walk along side another in the Valley are extraordinary.  The dark is foreboding.  The exit….if there is an exit… is aloof.  Hidden behind misty terrain.  Yet, a few… a very few…. attempt to journey the Valley with another.

Time blurs.  For me, stepping cautiously ahead, feeling the weakness, the fragility, the instability of the journey.... it is ever present for me.  Yet not so much for others.  And I shouldn't expect it to be.  They have their own journey to travel.  Their road turned directions before the steep sides of this valley pulled me downward.  Perhaps I will see them again come the climb at the other end.

Now I cling to the One who is never fearful of the Valley.  He has walked it before.

He knows the way.

Today’s Journey Joys: Warmth inside the hoop house, blueberry bells blooming, Sheila the NP with empathy, leftover Noodles, long naps in the middle of the day,  Evening of Worship for dad and son, aromatic lilacs, strawberriy flowers white and cheery, medicines for infection.

Raining inside and out

The potatoes are bursting through the soil.  The tiny popcorn rows are discernible. The onions reaching tall and green while their friends the garlic fattened and branch.  We received about an inch of rain to our dry spring soil.  Very needed for, well, for, just about everything.  I had tried to do some weeding around the raspberries yesterday but the ground was so hard all I did was club the soil to death.

Today it is cloudy, windy and chilly.  A 25 degree temperature drop since yesterday.  And today was round 3 of A/C chemo.  What can I say?  It feels like a long trek.  And I am tired.  My dear friend Kathy stopped for a brief visit during the infusion.  She brought us yummy tuna fish dinner (Thank you Kathy!) and chocolate chocolate chip cookies.  Sure to make the family happy.

I cried crocodile tears after she left. Raining on my inside and leaking out. I so just needed someone to tell me this was going to be OK.  That I will make it through this round....yet again....and...and... I just don't know.  Probably just over tired.

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

Today's Journey Joys:  thoughtful and competent nurses, an infusion room to myself, friends and their amazing ways to show love and care, plants that are growing.

Broken Hallelujah

Ally and I 

This past weekend my wonderful, giving, loving, honest, and hard working sister came to visit and help me plant, pull weeds, love on my children, and laugh.  I couldn't let her do all the work so of course I was right next to her....ok, maybe a little behind.  But it was absolutely grand sharing spring with her.

Today, I think the adriamycin and cytoxan effects of anemia must be kickin' in.  I am spent.  Tired.  Yet not sleepy.  Easily fatigued.  But rest does not help.  At least I am eating.... it helps take the nasty taste out of my mouth. Perhaps I'll gain some of that 20 pounds I lost with taxol.

Today, this is my song.  (Broken Hallelujah, The Afters)

I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where You are
I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But You're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know You're making beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
On my knees, I call Your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
‘Cause You've been here from the very start

When all is taken away
Don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing hallelujah
When I feel afraid
Don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing hallelujah

Hallelujah
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah

Journey Joys: Bluebells blooming radiantly, 22 baby chicks hatching today (ah, make that 23), breakfast with Lynne, sunshine and warmth, ham and potato casserole (thanks Burt!), and yummy chocolate dipped cookies.