"So Chris, are you back to normal yet?" My friend Steve, who himself is recovering from pancreatic cancer surgery, inquires over a comforting meal of beef stroganoff and apple cider. The question stimulates a reflective moment. "Normal?" "No, I'm not back to normal. I don't think that 'normal' will ever return." "Perhaps this, whatever this is, is the new normal."
My mind is not as quick, my body easily aching and tiring, and my emotions less controlled. I tear up easily. I laugh easily. I am drawn to beauty, to color, to depth and texture. I relish tasty food and an energetic brisk walk. By 8:30 I am exhausted and by 4:30 I am awake. My hot flashes are as numerous as they were before tamoxifen, but now they are hotter and longer...often ending up in a puddle of moisture.
And I smile. Smile more.
Yes, I'm still receiving Herceptin infusions every three week. They aren't the "bad" chemo though. I only feel a little nausea and a little more tired for a week or so. ...
And I ponder worrisome-ly... how long does it take to know the cancer is gone? Before one can embrace the hope of a future here? Here among my family and friends? To rest in the vision of continued life with my Farmer husband and teen aged children? Or is this part of the journey only a rest, a plateau, before more and greater hard roads await? 
If....if.....if the Road turns to cancer again..... I know and am peacefully resting in the experience and knowledge that the Lord God walks with me. He has faithfully journeyed with me through this past year. Close and palpable. Leaving me strengthened and comforted during the hardest climbs and deepest valleys. And I have tasted Heaven during this journey. Remarkable. A glimpse and a longing...... overwhelmed and speechless.
Today's Journey Joys - sunshine over autumnal trees, bees scurrying for one more taste of nectar, raspberries still blooming and ripening, the blaze of pumpkins, speckled squash, applesauce bubbly, blueberry syrup, and seed and nursery catalogs.
