The Folding-Closed of Summer

"So Chris, are you back to normal yet?" My friend Steve, who himself is recovering from pancreatic cancer surgery, inquires over a comforting meal of beef stroganoff and apple cider. The question stimulates a reflective moment.  "Normal?" "No, I'm not back to normal.  I don't think that 'normal' will ever return."  "Perhaps this, whatever this is, is the new normal."

My mind is not as quick, my body easily aching and tiring, and my emotions less controlled. I tear up easily.  I laugh easily. I am drawn to beauty, to color, to depth and texture.  I relish tasty food and an energetic brisk walk.  By 8:30 I am exhausted and by 4:30 I am awake.  My hot flashes are as numerous as they were before tamoxifen, but now they are hotter and longer...often ending up in a puddle of moisture.

And I smile.  Smile more.

 Yes, I'm still receiving Herceptin infusions every three week.  They aren't the "bad" chemo though.  I only feel a little nausea and a little more tired for a week or so. ...

And I ponder worrisome-ly... how long does it take to know the cancer is gone?  Before one can embrace the hope of a future here? Here among my family and friends?  To rest in the vision of continued life with my Farmer husband and teen aged children? Or is this part of the journey only a rest, a plateau, before more and greater hard roads await?

If....if.....if the Road turns to cancer again..... I know and am peacefully resting in the experience and knowledge that the Lord God walks with me.  He has faithfully journeyed with me through this past year.  Close and palpable.  Leaving me strengthened and comforted during the hardest climbs and deepest valleys. And I have tasted Heaven during this journey.  Remarkable.  A glimpse and a longing...... overwhelmed and speechless.

Today's Journey Joys - sunshine over autumnal trees, bees scurrying for one more taste of nectar, raspberries still blooming and ripening, the blaze of pumpkins, speckled squash, applesauce bubbly, blueberry syrup, and seed and nursery catalogs.

Weary and Rest

The skin became taunt, rhubarb red... and the pain was troublesome and wearisome.  Amela, my wonderful PA in Plastics said, "I want to see you."  But I convinced her that maybe we could do this over the phone and email with photos rather than have me drive 4.5 hours for a 10 minute visit. So a photo or two of my poor, poor breast was sent.  (Puts a whole new meaning to the term "selfie", eh?). 

After Hibiclens soaps, Silvadene cream, Damore and Aquafor ointments and Bactrim oral antibiotics, all began to heal.  The tight skin cracked and peeled.  And miraculously underneath nice healthy looking skin without infection or pain was revealed.  I am thankful for soft clothes and the new ability to sleep on either side at night.  Resting better now that I am able to get comfortable.  Such a blessing sleep is.

I'm still tired, but less so.  Most of the weariness is mental I think.  Teaching this semester has been difficult and challenging for me.  I am running out of energy to help some of my struggling students. There are about a handful which drain my reserves of patience and encouragement.  And I know they have their own story to walk.  That my presence in their journey is but a small one.  But I take joy in my teaching and guiding students to think on a more complex yet logical level and to make conclusions. In health care education it is called "diagnostic reasoning".  I am thrilled when the "ah-ha!" moments arrive and suddenly the student grasps the significance of the puzzle of evidence.  But some students seem to not be able to make the transition from simplistic fact ordering of information to the higher level of thinking required in making medical diagnoses.  I have tried.  Tried numerous techniques and teaching-learning styles available in an online environment.  I have called and set conferences in hopes of identifying the disconnect which appears to be prevalent in those that wrestle with the hierarchy of details. And it is draining. Case studies, professional visual scenarios and examinations, and discussion postings related to data mining in a patient encounter.... it doesn't seem to help in these cases.  But perhaps I am left without energy because I do not have the energy to begin with.

I want to rest and reflect more deeply. To soak healing into my weary bones and being.

But the tyranny of the urgent, the pressing daily chores, the quickly arriving winter push me to keep working on so many things which seem so very unimportant.  But yet oh so necessary.  

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Today's Journey Joys: super soft camisoles, warm flannel shirts and sheets, toasty outdoor wood furnace, late fall honey harvest of buttery goldenrod, apple pie with crumbly topping, fresh raspberries on spring mix lettuce greens, brave, determined and gentle-hearted son who runs and then cheers his teammates, Homecoming dance, an experience of worship in the presence of the King during church this evening - a taste of heaven.  Makes me long dearly for Heaven.