A recap of surgical memories

It's a foggy memory now.  Getting ready to travel to Mayo and somehow preparing for a surgery I knew would be life changing.  Farmer husband Gary following me around that morning with a camera wherever I went.  

Me and my fuzzy wuzzy hairs trying to get directions from Mapquest to my friend Kathy's home.

We were to travel to Kathy's home and meet her there since she was already 30 minutes going in the right direction.  Oh, Kathy... a caretaker and friend like none other.  She and I and her tired college nursing student daughter drove to Rochester that Sunday afternoon, now three weeks ago.  It was a pleasant quick journey.  Thank you dear friend! Again!

Throw a wig on right before we left and I looked quite different.  But the eyes and expression certainly communicate.... 

Kathy drove me to my pre-surgical appointments and waited during the long echocardiogram.... she drove me to the hospital in the morning and stayed with me until the staff sent her away.  She prayed with me and laughed with me and encouraged me. Even as I was getting on the elevator to go to the operating room, she slipped on the elevator with us and smiled the whole way.

I don't remember much else about the surgery and the day.  A lot of people asked a lot of questions.  The plastic surgeon came in and joked and smiled and drew all over me with pretty colors.  We jested about "the 5 minute mastectomy" since I had lost so much weight and I had no breasts or bottom left.  I recall he mentioned something about a "Brazilian butt lift".... but the details are not quite clear.  I was wheeled into the OR suite pretty quick after that and then asked to wiggle over to the table....which I recall as not quite as comfortable as the gurney I was previously in.  There had to be 7-10 people in there....all dressed in blue. The anesthesiologist said, "I'm going to give you some Fentanyl and....(I can't remember).... and I responded, "Well, that oughta do the trick." She replied, "Yeah, you won't remember much after this..." and in fact, I don't.  I only remember a feeling.... a surge of powerlessness.  "Take good care of me...."  "We will.... "

And the next thing I remember is being in the recovery room having difficulty opening my eyes.  I can still hear the beeps and see the lights and blips.  The sounds of people to and fro.  The surgeon coming in briefly and saying "There was no cancer in the breast....and the lymph nodes....well they looked ugly, but there was no cancer in them either."  And I slept.  With a smile.

When I was ready to go to my room, a young nurse accompanied me.  He was very kind and helpful.  After he and another nurse escorted me (walking!) to my comfortable bed, as he was leaving he looked at me and said, "I will be praying for you tonight."  What comforting words.  And more encouragement.

Kathy and her daughter Carrie stayed until quite late that evening....but I just kept falling asleep...well, and trying not to heave ( a little upset and nauseated tummy I'm afraid)....  but I rested and rested.  The night was interrupted with medications and assessments and apparently my heart rate kept going too low (40 or so) and so they called in the poor cardiac resident to check on me (I was fine).  And then morning came.

And so did Gary's dad and sister.  They brought beautiful flowers, fresh fruit, and warm and lovely words and prayers.  It was amazing to me that they would travel hours and hours to see me for so short of time.  My heart is filled by their love.

Lisa and Ralph the morning after my surgery.

I was discharged not long after that.  Kathy gently drove me to Carrie and Ray's where Carrie had gotten the recliner chair from downstairs all set up in the living room in case I wanted to watch TV or see outside.  It was grand.  And again I slept....

Eventually Kathy and Ray and Carrie and company all left for their respective cabins in northern Wisconsin (God's country).  And Debi, my dear friend became my caretaker and tummy filler. She drove all the way up by herself, did laundry, fed me, kept me company, laughed and cried with me..... for days.  At times I think my fragileness and discomfort overwhelmed her....the drains and dressing changes... a challenge. Yet she did a fabulous job.  And introduced me to smoothies.... how come I've never had one of these wonderful things before?  And she added protein powder in them to help me heal faster.

A week later, after several appointments and confirmation that the chemotherapy had indeed eliminated what could be seen in the post-surgical pathology slides, we drove home.  A long difficult journey for me as every bump seemed to be magnified. But we made it home around 8:30 in the evening.  And no one was there.  The family was at the chess club.  So I made my bed in my own Lazy Boy recliner and rested.... and rested.

I'm physically getting better.  The incisions are looking great.  The drain lines and dressings removed.  The process of tissue expansion underway.  And my hair is sort of coming in.... it's a brown color so far. Strange....I've been a dark blond my entire life....

Dalmatian and I.  The beginning of my hair coming in.

I don't feel right though.

"Why are you cast down O my soul and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." (Psalm 42:5)

Today's Journey Joys: air conditioning on a super hot and humid summer day, fresh cucumbers from the field, gifts of love, Ally laughing, upcoming doctor visits, sharing of good news, prayers for new and old friends, Bryce's good prognosis, honey harvest coming up soon....

A Night With the River Bandits

Last evening, just over two weeks after my surgery, I accompanied Ally and Ben to a minor league baseball game.  (Farmer husband Gary met us there a little while later).  Every year or so our wonderful financial guy has a "client appreciation day" celebrated at the baseball park.  Hot dogs, barbequed chicken and pork, cole slaw, chocolate chip cookies, and soda pop were on the menu.  The kids stuffed their tummies full.  The day also included a ride on the new gigantic ferris wheel. Each "car" holds up to six people.  And the site over the Mississippi river is spectacular.

Ben and the River Bandit mascot

We went up on the huge ferris wheel at the park.  "Ah, I don't think this was a good idea..." Ben nervously laughs as the ferris wheel went higher and higher and his eyes got bigger and bigger.

Guess who we found at the park?  Our good friend Katy and her wonderful daughter Linda.  Ally snuggled right into Katy while the ferris wheel went round and round.  I think Katy was appreciative of the comfort.

Going up....  

Today's Journey Joys: friends who laugh and love, a fun filled time at the baseball park, more raspberries for breakfast, fresh cut grass, horse weed wacked down to size, Snowy sleeping in the hoop house, bees a buzzing

Glades and Growing

What a great year for growing.  The rains come at least weekly and the temperatures have been warm but not oppressive.  The corn is growing wildly; the potatoes fattening out.  I think I will dig a few up tomorrow (well, actually Farmer husband Gary will dig them up since I'm currently not supposed to do such things post surgery).  There's nothing like new potatoes.  Sweet, soft and flavorful.  Throw some fresh green beans, a savory onion on the side and any meat dish and what a feast!

I perused the farm today during a very slow careful walk.  Weeds everywhere and many would-be crops choking in their midst.  The beans and pumpkins which I planted before I left for surgery are growing nicely.  Raspberries filling and still more blooming.  The honey bees love them.  The onions are buried in purslane weed but somehow filling out and getting big.  Broccoli has started flowering.  And my neighbor graciously picked the few blueberries in the field for me.  A few sun flowers and zinneas are poking their heads out from their weed competitors.  And lastly, the hoophouse tomatoes and peppers need watering...their growth slow due to dehydration.  I think I've finally come to the realization:

I am not farming this year.

Unless I feel better and get stronger soon I will not be going to the farmers market either.

Parts of me are relieved.  Some of me is frustrated with the waste.  And some just wants to press on.

I am not farming this year.

I will put out the pumpkins in September and October (not me, but my super helpers).  Yet, I will not be farming.

But I am already planning.

I know.  I have a long way yet to go in this cancer road.  But I am currently standing.... actually resting in a glade with speckled sunlight, soft breezes, and aromatic flowers.  A place in my journey where I can breathe deeply.  Soak in the warmth and beauty of my surroundings and rest.  Rest.  Yes I know there is still a long journey ahead..... surgery, radiation, Herceptin infusions, testing, reconstruction.... but I find myself, in these past couple of days holding on to the possibility that I will complete this journey... and begin yet another.

It is not the end.

Today's Journey Joys:  ripe red raspberries, showers, taco pie, muscles that seem a little stronger, a little less painful.  Farmer husband Gary fixing the starter on the dump truck. Three more days until these surgical drains come out!

Amazing Grace

"Mommy, are you crying?" Ally asks me this morning as I'm attempting to find a comfortable place in the chair but feeling like a sack of emotions.

"Yes," I whimper as enormous droplets form in my eyes and cascade over my cheeks.  They land with a dulll splash on my ever-soggy pajamas.

"Why are you crying Mommy?" She gently comes over and places her puffy soft hands on my head, careful not to touch my chest or arms.

"Mommy is sad honey."  And Ally-girl hugs my head and caresses it with kisses.  The tears showering down from my eyes.

And logically it should not be.

Recovering at Carrie and Ray's - some of the most generous and gracious people on the planet.  First day, in many days I was able to get out in the sun.

The surgery was a grand success.  No residual cancer.  That means it was gone.  Vanished.  Not detectable. No lymph node involvement.  The five months of chemo was effective - even more than the oncologist had hoped.  The day before surgery she had prepared me for other outcomes by instilling hope that there were many options and treatments available yet to destroy this cancer.

And yet I cry.

Probably over tired. Haven't slept in a bed since the hospital.  The chair helps to sit me up so the bandages and swelling aren't so uncomfortable.  Yet, not the greatest position to be in all night. So I get restless.

And my heart aches being with Ally.  When I got home last evening she was apprehensive about touching me.  And her big heart was crying great big tears.  "Mommy I'm crying.  Why am I crying?"  She has been next to me all day.  Never far away.

And I have to tell them that I will be gone again.  One day next week, but many days in the upcoming weeks. My heart is sore just with the thought of being away from Farmer husband Gary, Ben and Ally-girl.

Yet, my heart is filled with hope. More treatment - infusions, another surgery, and radiation are in store - but I have been graciously given healing.  Amazing grace. Absolutely grace.  Thank you dear God. The journey has taken another bend....

Debi and I at Chester's in Rochester celebrating a morning of great news and great prognosis.

Journey Joys: red and ripe raspberries, blueberries, growing and growing summer squash (yikes, what was I thinking?), wounds that heal, a fabulous pathology report, a reknown and amazing medical center with fabulous providers, a body that heals, sunshine, birds singing, kittens playing and making me laugh.