The Valley

The Valley. 

It extends long, dark, and deep.  Thick brambles and underbrush impede the passing.  Heavy dew drips from intense green foliage which brushes against the sojourner.  Thorns scratch against the skin, stinging deeply.  An occasional breath of sweet aroma from the blooming wild rose. 

This is where I am now. 

Walking…. rather plodding…. through the deepest valley I’ve ever traversed.  It is hard.  Steep.  Slippery. Mucky.  Nauseating.  Exhausting to the bone. Filled with tears.

The way is now and again interrupted with the singing chorus of tree frogs and song birds.  But mostly it is quiet. Loudly quiet. Oh so quiet.

Few folks walk this road with another.  It is simply too hard.  Too painful.  Too… well, uncomfortable.  The Road which leads into the Valley is unwelcoming.  Those who must walk the bumpy road into the dark are accompanied by few.  A few very brave souls.

Those that walk along side another in the Valley are extraordinary.  The dark is foreboding.  The exit….if there is an exit… is aloof.  Hidden behind misty terrain.  Yet, a few… a very few…. attempt to journey the Valley with another.

Time blurs.  For me, stepping cautiously ahead, feeling the weakness, the fragility, the instability of the journey.... it is ever present for me.  Yet not so much for others.  And I shouldn't expect it to be.  They have their own journey to travel.  Their road turned directions before the steep sides of this valley pulled me downward.  Perhaps I will see them again come the climb at the other end.

Now I cling to the One who is never fearful of the Valley.  He has walked it before.

He knows the way.

Today’s Journey Joys: Warmth inside the hoop house, blueberry bells blooming, Sheila the NP with empathy, leftover Noodles, long naps in the middle of the day,  Evening of Worship for dad and son, aromatic lilacs, strawberriy flowers white and cheery, medicines for infection.

Raining inside and out

The potatoes are bursting through the soil.  The tiny popcorn rows are discernible. The onions reaching tall and green while their friends the garlic fattened and branch.  We received about an inch of rain to our dry spring soil.  Very needed for, well, for, just about everything.  I had tried to do some weeding around the raspberries yesterday but the ground was so hard all I did was club the soil to death.

Today it is cloudy, windy and chilly.  A 25 degree temperature drop since yesterday.  And today was round 3 of A/C chemo.  What can I say?  It feels like a long trek.  And I am tired.  My dear friend Kathy stopped for a brief visit during the infusion.  She brought us yummy tuna fish dinner (Thank you Kathy!) and chocolate chocolate chip cookies.  Sure to make the family happy.

I cried crocodile tears after she left. Raining on my inside and leaking out. I so just needed someone to tell me this was going to be OK.  That I will make it through this round....yet again....and...and... I just don't know.  Probably just over tired.

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

Today's Journey Joys:  thoughtful and competent nurses, an infusion room to myself, friends and their amazing ways to show love and care, plants that are growing.

Broken Hallelujah

Ally and I 

This past weekend my wonderful, giving, loving, honest, and hard working sister came to visit and help me plant, pull weeds, love on my children, and laugh.  I couldn't let her do all the work so of course I was right next to her....ok, maybe a little behind.  But it was absolutely grand sharing spring with her.

Today, I think the adriamycin and cytoxan effects of anemia must be kickin' in.  I am spent.  Tired.  Yet not sleepy.  Easily fatigued.  But rest does not help.  At least I am eating.... it helps take the nasty taste out of my mouth. Perhaps I'll gain some of that 20 pounds I lost with taxol.

Today, this is my song.  (Broken Hallelujah, The Afters)

I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where You are
I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But You're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know You're making beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
On my knees, I call Your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
‘Cause You've been here from the very start

When all is taken away
Don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing hallelujah
When I feel afraid
Don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing hallelujah

Hallelujah
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah

Journey Joys: Bluebells blooming radiantly, 22 baby chicks hatching today (ah, make that 23), breakfast with Lynne, sunshine and warmth, ham and potato casserole (thanks Burt!), and yummy chocolate dipped cookies.