Test time

It's 1:13 pm. I'm standing in front of my class. They are serious, contemplative and hard working. They are taking a test. I've been teaching them the pathology of the cardiovascular system for the past two weeks. We've covered topics like myocardial infarction, hypertension, cardiac tamponade, pleural effusions, atherosclerosis, valvular diseases, dysrhythmias and shock. Today, as their instructor, I get to see how well I have taught them. They don't know that it is a test... a test for me as well as for them. They are focused on recalling information and applying it to case studies. They are not thinking that their learning is partly my responsibility. There is sighing and head holding and shoulder shaking. There is page turning, pencil markings and test bubbles. I look around (they think I'm looking to see if anyone is cheating... maybe that's a little part of my motivation)....I look around and see pencil chewing, pencil spinning, pencil reading.... I wonder if there is some psychology to all this exam pencil activity.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Perhaps I'll write about it someday. But the pain and anxiety and frustration are too close to the surface (even now my eyes well up). I can not afford to be less than the knowledgeable pathophysiology professor. Yes, it is a fascade. But students don't think professors are real people. With real feelings, real troubles, real joys and real frustrations. So today I am content to watch my students learn (even if they don't believe that an exam is part of the learning process). I don't have papers to grade or books to read. I have no lectures to prepare or objectives to write. Spring break is tomorrow.

It will be good to rest after this testing time....